New thread for 2010 jokes

Die vrou gaan vir haar jaarlikse ondersoek by ‘n ginekoloog wat se
spreekkamers bokant 'n bakkery is.
Terwyl sy oopbene daar lé en die dokter besig is met sy ondersoek kom
die reuk van vars gebak deur die oop venster en sy vra:
“Dokter, maak die koekreuk jou nie mal nie?

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the diversity of the word fuck....very funny


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Ok, dont know why it aint working...

Here is something to boggle your mind.

So without delay...

Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one in your head).

1. Key in the first 3 digits of your work DIRECT landline phone
number at WORK (NOT the area code).
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your work phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of your work phone number again
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide by 2

DO YOU RECOGNISE THE NUMBER

nakhooda wrote: Here is something to boggle your mind.

So without delay...

Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one in your head).

1. Key in the first 3 digits of your work DIRECT landline phone
number at WORK (NOT the area code).
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your work phone number
6. Add the last 4 digits of your work phone number again
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide by 2

DO YOU RECOGNISE THE NUMBER

This is really cool, figured it out:
((3digits) *80 +1 *250 -250 /2 ) This part basically "adds" 4 zeros (0000) to the first 3 digits.
Then when you add the last 4 digits they replace the 0000

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Hahaha, this reminds me of an episode of TopGear when Jeremy Clarkson stated that Toyota Hilux Pick-Ups are the biggest cause of terrorism in Iraq LOL :laugh:

Malema tweets rolling in

TWITTER USERS IN STITCHES OVER MALEMA COMMENT

Twitter users were in stitches on the social networking site on Thursday morning following the news that ANC Youth League leader Julius Malema wanted to close it down.

Tweets kept rolling in by the minute, with international news websites such as BBC, also picking up on the story.

“Julius Malema wants to shut down Twitter?” Hahahahahahahahahaha, best joke4 2day,” several users commented in reply to a post by 5fm radio jock Gareth Cliff.

Another, user EarleneBSmith, said: “Today is create a juju malema account day... do it... you know your red sockes (sic) want to.... lol!”

Garethdv added: “ANCYL to close down Twitter... They truly are a bunch of gifted individuals!”

Another, kerryannerogers, pointed out grammar mistakes in the African National Congress Youth League statement: “In fact ANCYL statement called for 'closer of Twitter' following 'cretation' of fake accounts. Was that so we'd know it was the real Malema?”

The ANCYL said on Wednesday it would call for the closure of Twitter if the social network administrators did nothing to stop Malema impersonators.

“We will look at ways of stopping this... Even if it means going to the police,” spokesman Floyd Shivambu said.

A search of Malema on Twitter reveals 12 users including Julius_Malema, JMalema, Julius_S_Malema and jujumalema.

Of the 12 users six bear the picture of the firebrand youth leader.

The impersonators continued their work on Thursday morning.

One user, named JujuMalemaOZ, offered black empowerment “tips”.

“Julius Malema empowerment tips#10 Friends comrades, badguys Agents, opposition cockroach and Jonny walker yebo yes!.

“Julius Malema empowering tips#9 Agents are everywhere, use a helmet to block brain scanners, no need for me, no brain to scan,” the post read.

Another impersonator, called julius_m_jnr, wrote: “Trying to help Daddy find the Pedi word for 'satire'... Any help plz, how do I explain it to him? #malema.”

Someone else suggested: “Funny We may just have found the ANCYL's weak spot. They're terrified of Twitter. Let's ALL start fake Julius Malema accounts!” - Sapa

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Thats fantastic!!!!

Blonde sms's me the other day and asks me what does idk stand for... I replied I Dont Know.... She responds... Gish, Nobody seems to know!!!!

OUPA EN OUMA SE ANTWOORDMASJIEN



Goeie môre …. Ons is tans nie tuis nie, maar laat asseblief

‘n boodskap na die toon.

As jy een van ons kinders is, druk die nommer kind wat jy is

en druk dan een van die volgende nege opsies,

sodat ons by ons terugkoms kan weet wat ons moet doen:



1. As ons die kleinkinders moet kom oppas, druk 2

2. As julle ons kar wil leen, druk 3

3. As julle wil hê ons moet julle klere was en stryk, druk 4

4. As julle wil hê dat die kleinkinders by ons moet kom slaap, druk 5

5. As julle wil hê dat ons die kinders by die skool moet gaan haal, druk 6

6. As julle wil hê dat ons vir julle ‘n maaltyd moet voorberei, druk 7

7. As julle hier wil kom eet, druk 8

8. As julle geld nodig het, druk 9

9. As julle ons vir ete gaan nooi, of ons teater toe wil vat, begin praat, ons luister.

3 blondes walk into a bar, none of them saw it.

My blonde girlfriend phoned me yesterday, said she was doing a puzzle and needed some help. Told me the box showed it was a picture of a rooster but she just couldnt get it started. So i went round to give her a hand, took one look at the puzzle pieces spread out on the table and told her with a sigh to put the cornflakes back in the box.

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BAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Zuma is walking down the street with his new dog, a little fox terrier.

He meets up with Helen who says: "Ah, what a sweet little terrier, what's his name?"

Zuma replies: "I haven't named him yet. I just got him and I still have to decide on a name. Any suggestions?"

Helen thinks for a while then says "Why don't you call him Tuckshop?"

Zuma says "Hmm strange name, but thanks for the suggestion."

He carries on walking and sees Kgalema who says: "Nice fox terrier, what's his name?"

Zuma explains that he has no name for him as yet, but that Helen had suggested Tuckshop.

Zuma and Kgalema stand there very puzzled at this strange name that Helen suggested. Eventually they decide to go and look the name up in the dictionary and see if it has any significant meaning.

In the dictionary it read: TUCKSHOP - a small CAFETERIA.

Priceless:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

After Making Da Luv

The Italian says, "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down h'er body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above zebed in pure ecstasy".

The South-African says, "Bru, that's nothing. When I've finished pomping my cherry, I sommer get out of bed, cruise over to the window and wipe my tottie on the curtains... she hits the roof, ek sê !!!

Piet and Koos, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
>>
>> Piet turns to Koos and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through
>> life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community
>> college, and sign up for some classes."
>>
>> Koos thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Piet
>> goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs
>> him up
> for
>> the
>> four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
>>
>> "Logic?" Piet says. "What's that?"
>>
>> The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
>>
>> "Yeah."
>>
>> "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
>> you would have a yard."
>>
>> "That's true, I do have a yard."
>>
>> "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I
>> thinklogically that you would have a house."
>>
>> "Yes, I do have a house."
>>
>> "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
>
>> family."
>>
>> "Yes, I have a family."
>>
>> "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
>> havea wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must
>> be a heterosexual."
>>
>> "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to findout all of
> that
>> because I have a weed eater."
>>
>> Excited to take the class now, Piet shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
>> to go meet Koos at the bar. He tells Koos about his classes, how he is
>
>> signed
> up
>> for Math, English, History, and Logic.
>>
>> "Logic?" Koos says, "What's that?"
>>
>> Piet says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
>>
>> "No."
>>
>> "Then you're a moffie ..........."
>

Four guys have been going to the same moose camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday."


"Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said. 'guess Who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.


She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!


She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

Koos was gatvol vir Suid-Afrika; die misdaad; sy werk in die polisie; die verkeer in Johannesburg; al die mense net waar jy kyk.
Hy bedank sy werk en emigreer na Kanada.
Die noorde van Kanada, daar waar jy selde 'n mens sien, 'n plek sonder misdaad, sonder verkeer, sonder geraas, uiteindelik stilte.
Koos vang vis in die ys.
Verder eet hy van die ton biltong wat sy polisiepensioen gekoop het, nou en dan gevriesde groente.
Een maal per maand skiet hy 'n takbok vir 'n braai.
Hy maak sy eie takbokwors en pos pakkies wors vir sy bejaarde moeder in Suid-Afrika.
Koos is gelukkig, sy enigste kontak met die buitewêreld is die klipstapel waar hy sy pos laat en afhaal.
Na 'n jaar in die koue yslandskap begin hy egter verlang na bietjie geselskap, dalk net iemand om "hallo" voor te sê.
Nog elf maande verloop en Koos begin voel hoe die mure van sy houthuis op hom druk.
Dis amper Kersfees en nou verlang hy erg na iemand wat hy nie ken nie.
12 dae voor Kersfees is daar 'n klop aan sy deur.
Met bewende hande maak Koos die deur oop.
Voor hom staan die grootste eskimo wat Koos al ooit in sy lewe gesien het.
Dit was nou wel die eerste eskimo wat Koos sien, maar nogtans was dié groter as enige Blou Bul slot wat hy al ooit op Loftus gesien het.
"Goeie dag" sê die harige man.
"Dagsê" antwoord 'n opgewonde Koos.
"Ek is jou buurman." sê die eskimo. "Het iemand jou al kom welkom heet in ons midde?" vra hy.
"Nee" antwoord Koos, nou meer opgewonde.
"Welkom dan" sê die eskimo "en laat ek jou dan sommer uitnooi na ons jaarlikse Kerspartytjie."
"'n Partytjie!" ontplof Koos, terwyl sy tone begin omkrul.
"Ja," antwoord die eskimo "maar ek moet jou waarsku, dis nie vir almal nie.”
"Nie almal kan die potte vol vleis hanteer wat ons eet by die partytjie nie." sê die harige vent.
"Dis mos my kos daai." antwoord Koos vinnig.
"Die musiek is verskriklik hard." sê die eskimo.
"Net soos ek daarvan hou." glimlag Koos.
"Die drank gaan vloei." sê die eskimo ernstig.
"Dit moet!" gil Koos half histeries.
"Daar gaan waarskynlik 'n bakleiery wees." sê die eskimo terwyl hy sy bors uitstoot.
"Ek was in die polisie." sê Koos en knipoog.
"Daar gaan seks wees." sê die eskimo.
"Nou praat jy my taal." sê Koos en knipoog weer.
"Sien jou Vrydag, by die iglo 54 km wes van hier, bring jou eie glas, ys is op die huis." sê die eskimo en loop weg.
"Hokaai!" roep Koos agterna "Wat trek mens aan na die party?"
"Ag, maak nie saak nie" antwoord die harige reus "dis net die twee van ons."

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