New thread for 2010 jokes

Not sure if this has been said.


Sex-Insurance:
Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically Sex-Insurance.

The insurance companies have formulated the following options:

Option 1:

If you sleep with your wife

- LEGAL & GENERAL

Option 2:

If you sleep with your wife in your car

- AUTO &GENERAL

Option 3:

If you sleep with someone else's wife:

- MUTUAL & FEDERAL

Option 4:

Sleeping with your mother-in-law

- OLD MUTUAL

Option 5:

If you sleep with a Muslim-girl

- SANLAM

Option 6:

Sleeping with more than one person at the same time

- PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX

Option 7:

Taking advantage of the person you sleep with

- LIBERTY LIFE

Option 8:

Man sleeping with another man

- HOLLARD

Option 9:

Having sex on the spur of the moment

- MOMENTUM

Option 10:

Sleeping with your ex-wife

- OUTSURANCE

Option 11:

Sleeping with a prostitute

- BUDGET


Option 12:

Having sex with someone you don't even know

- DISCOVERY


Option 13:

Having sex with a virgin.
-First for women

Old one but still very good............

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.. The big guy sees the
little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy
says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!

I wonder if Zuma and the rest of his Standard 5 class running the country would understand economics when put like this. Probably not………………….


RSA Income Tax Explained



OK I have decided to put a South African spin to an old story so Blacks can understand what happens to taxes, tax cuts and what happens when Whites leave.

Suppose there are ten men who go to dinner every night. Six of them are Black, one Coloured, one Indian and two Whites.
The one White guy is middleclass and the other is rich. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The bill comes to R1000, but four Blacks pay nothing, they eat for free every night.
Two Blacks pay a share of R20 and R30 each.
The Coloured guy pays R100, the Indian pays R150, the middle class White guy pays R200 and the rich White guy pays R500.
Everything went well.
The ten men ate happily every night until one day the restaurant owner said that they were such good customers he was going to give them a break so he reduced the bill by R200. (In tax language a tax cut).
So the first four Black guys were basically unaffected by this and still ate for free, but the six others started thinking about how they would split the R200 cut in the Bill so everyone would get his fair share.
R200 divided by six would mean R33.33 each. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the two paying Blacks would end up being PAID to eat their meal. So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same proportional amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
So the first paying Black guy that night only had to pay R16, the second paying Black guy only paid R24,
the coloured guy paid R80, the Indian guy R120, the middleclass White guy paid R160 and the rich White guy paid R400 instead of his usual R500. Each of the original six paying ones were better off than before.
The first four Black guys still got their meal for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
The first paying black said he only got R4 from the R200.
The second Black guy said he only saved R6.
The Coloured and the Indian guys were a bit grumpy that they only got R20 and R30 off their usual bill,
but otherwise they were happy that they paid less that night.
Wait a minute, yelled the first four Black men in unison, We didn't get anything at all.
The system exploits the poor!?
The Blacks looked at the middle class White guy who got R40 from the R200 discount and the
rich White guy who got a wopping R100 and they became bitter about it.
So the six Blacks surrounded the two White guys, beat them up and stole what they had on them.
The next night the men met again for dinner, but noticeably absent were the two White men who decided to go to another restaurant and not eat with them anymore.
At first nobody missed the two White guys and they all sat down and ate without them, but then the bill came and to their horror they discovered that they were now R560 short of paying their bill.
Imagine that!

And that, dear fellows, is how it works when you tax White people to death, beat them up and steal from them.
They will just not show up at the table anymore and will just decide to go have dinner somewhere else,
which means that you will be on your own and will have to pay all the bills yourself and there
will be no more free lunches, you will catch rats and scratch in dustbins just like in Zimbabwe after the Whites left.

Ha ha ha no comment............

That guy talks the truth- but hey what can you do? Well i would do alot if someone PM'ed me with an offer of say R150K. ha ha. But seriously;)

JO1 is that avi of yours necessary bru??
Looks like someone taxed your karma aswel.

Peace

jo1 wrote:

...RSA Income Tax Explained ...

The funny thing is that this isnt really a joke and very close to the truth!

ECSTASY
Hoe jy dink die pille jou klap:
Jy is pragtige, liefdevolle en wonderlike persoon wat 'n klip uit enige iemand se pad sal rol. Hoe jy actually is: Soos die creepy k0nt wat altyd gat gekruip het by die juffrou. Mense smaak nie jou sweterige hugs wat jy op hulle force nie. Kans dat jy steek gaan kry: 30%. S&ks is nie belangrik nie. Dit gaan oordie 'vibe'. Hoe jy in die oggend voel: Die ou met die grootste kop en die kleinste tottie op aarde. Skaamteverlof rating: 6/10. Ecstasy laat jou nice goed sê vir mense wat jy f0kkol smaak. Wees versigtig met jou foonnommer. Hulle bel jou dalk.

DAGGA
Wat jy skiem jy maak met die blaar:
Jy's nie seker nie, maar jy skiem mense lag vir jou.
Wat die blaar met jou maak:
Mense lag in fact vir jou en dit voel of iemand jou met 'n Uno Fire oor die kop gep0es het. Kans dat jy gaan pomp: 60%. As jy heel aand op die bank lê, kan enige iets gebeur. Hoe jy die volgende oggend voel: Lus vir nogge rol rondkyktwak. En die res van die bobotie. Skaamteverlof rating: 1/10. Jy move so f0kken stadig. Die kans dat jy kan k@k aanjaag is minimal.

DRANK
Wat jy skiem:
Jy is die f0kken dude! Jy is s&xy en f0kken snaaks en almal like jou kwaai Bef0k. Wat die bottel skiem: Jy is 'n po&s. Jou optrede word progressief k@kker hoe meer k@k jokes jy vertel, almal afpis en eventually ogies maak vir jou beste buddy se chick. Kans dat jy gaan zaber: 90%. Jou inhibisies mo&r grond se kant toe met elke dop wat jy kap. Jy is omring met mense van jou kaliber. Jou kanse is pretty goed. Wat die volgende oggend gebeur: Waar is my kar? Hoekom het ek met daai sker van Accounts geslaap? Jy voel basically soos wat Mother Theresa lyk: F0kken lelik en f0kken dood. Skaamteverlof rating: 11/10. Jy is te f0kken stupid vir woorde.

SNOET-SPOED
Wat jy dink jy doen:
Jy is 'n genius, moet meisies met stokke van jou af weghou wat jou wil spyker en wil net 'lunch doen' met almal volgende week. Wat jy is: 'n Irriterende f0kken beterweter wat sy eie d1ck sal afsny vir die volgende lyn. Kans om bosmossel in die oog te staar: 80%. Dit klink na bullsh1t, maar as jy dink jy is bef0k, sal een of ander insecure chick ook so dink. Hoe jy die volgende oggend voel: Soos 'n insecure chick. Skaamteverlof rating: 0/10 as daar nog coke is in die skoenboks onder jou bed, 9/10 as daar f0kk0l is.

ACID
Hoe jy dink jy reageer:
Jy doen niks, die wereld om jou doen allerhande f#cked-up tricks. Hoe jy actually reageer: Jy doen allerhande f#cked-up tricks. Kans om 'n lift op die wolscooter te kry: 20%. As jy dit kon regkry om iemand te kry, bly daar nog die freaky deel oor: Jy moet jou klere uittrek, 'n seksuele posisie kies en bid dat jou zaber nie in Pokemon verander nie. Jou partner kan dalk uitdraai as jou ma of S@tan. Die volgende oggend: Jy sweer jy lees nooit weer Huxley nie, jy gaan kerk toe en weier om enige cartoons te kyk. Skaamteverlof rating: 0/10. Jy het heel moontlik heel aand voor die TV gesit en lag (die TV was af). Of jy het Superman op jouself getrek en by 'n woonstelblok in Sunnyside afgespring.

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband
had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it
was such
a good idea.


'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it hurt
you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor
continued,
'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's
what you
like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'


The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of
course you can, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think people like
Julius
Malema come from.' ,

jo1 wrote:

Dont like how the oke swears but def has valid points.

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to the ANC and Julius Malema The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Malema is a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb-f##k put him up there to begin with.

--

Jo jy is fokken spot on met daai video!! Like die avatar!

finally some one else said it other than me!! (File Removed)

(File Removed)

He looks like a tranny, but he thinks he is the main mac.

SNOK1986 wrote:

Mmm, Ok then.

On a side note most of these videos ive seen of teens and synthol looks like brazillians. Am i right?

That sythol dude above is just ermmmmm, well how should I say it, touched?

DIT IS HOEKOM VROUENS NIE MAG GAAN JAG NIE.......

Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis bly. Sy besluit toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag. Op die plaas aangekom sê hy vir liefie om links teen die rivier af te loop dan loop hy regs teen die rivier af. Hulle sal dan weer mekaar onder by die hoof hek ontmoet.

So gesê, so gedaan. Hy het skaars tussen die bosse ingeloop toe hy drie skote kort opmekaar hoor klap.

Hy hardloop valval terug na waar die die stofwolk bo die doringbome hang. So deur die stof sien hy haar vaagweg en dit lyk op ‘n afstand kompleet of sy haar eerste epileptiese aanval beleef. Toe die stof effens gaan lê kry hy haar vir die eerste keer mooi gesien. Sy loop-val-storm in ‘n klein sirkel soos ‘n rot wat te min gif ingekry het en sy praat onophoudelik op een van daai bloedstollende toonhoogtes wat uit paniekbevange desperaatheid gebore is. Tussen die gekraak van die takke deur kom hy agter sy is in ‘n HELSE argument met ‘n ander man betrokke en die kragwoorde rol die een na die ander en sonder veel moeite tussen die twee lae stowwerige rooi lipstick deur.


"Meneer, dit is my Kudu die! Ek het hom eerste gesien. Jy kan die drie gate in sy kop meet. Dit was MY koeëls!” gil sy terwyl sy die 30-06 se loop roekeloos deur die tonnels in stomme dier se skedel druk om te demonstreer.

"Goed mevrou, bedaar net!” sê die man vir die swaar gewapende en totaal histeriese vrouejagter. Ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat dan maar die KUDU vir jou. “Gee jy om om net jou safety op jou geweer te sit terwyl ek my @#$% saal en toom van jou kudu afhaal?!?!?!”

n dogtertjie sing. " Jesus is lief vir seuntjies en vir dogtertjies en vir elke f#kken hasie." "NEE" skree haar ma geskok... " vir elke VOLK EN NASIE."

Fakey_AK wrote:

n dogtertjie sing. " Jesus is lief vir seuntjies en vir dogtertjies en vir elke f#kken hasie." "NEE" skree haar ma geskok... " vir elke VOLK EN NASIE."

BWAHAHAHAAAAAAA !!!! Baie f#kken goed !

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW...........

On his death bed, Earl Woods gave his son Tiger the following advice:





"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."

Shame man…this really broke my heart… (File Removed)

North_Boy1 wrote:

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW...........

On his death bed, Earl Woods gave his son Tiger the following advice:





"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."

:haha :haha