New thread for 2010 jokes

Daddy's spinning the moves

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.

Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply: 'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.

Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ ......... ......... ....... Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

How do you know you flying SAA?





You ask for black pepper and they give you the Sowetan......



ouch...

No wonder girl's are after zuma!
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A Hooker in Las Vegas
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

What to do in a flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to you?
1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;
2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
5. Access the Internet;
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:
7. Take a deep breath and open the site: ( www.myit-media.de/the_end.html )
8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.
Have a good trip!

" I fixed it..."
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Will see how the friends react at tonights braai when I whip out the trusty ol' rake and wors.... :laugh:
.

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The end is near....
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Lekker in Benoni my bra!

can't attach the image?
it's small enough

did you add [img] to the page Jayman ?

Lekker in Benoni my bra!

BB_guy wrote:

did you add [img] to the page Jayman ?

lol yes sir
I think this is just one of those days when everything electrical just f*cks up around me

Dear Mr President Jacob Zuma

After having read the front page story of the Sunday Times (31/01/2010),
I feel compelled to write to you as this ordinary citizen that I am.
Because I am a commoner, my judgement of your actions could be regarded
as disrespect. Equally you might be indulging in all these sordid acts
because you feel that you cannot be questioned and brought to book.

As a young man I have an interest in the way in which those in power are
behaving, so as to ensure that we have good, moral and ethical leaders
to look upon. A public figure who does not inspire confidence or do not
conduct themselves in a manner that seek to inspire development of
society, should be eliminated from the limelight and sent into the
deepest of corners so that their misleading acts are shunned. To me you
happen to be such an individual.

In your address during your inauguration and also in your first State of
the Nation address, you emphasised greatly on moral regeneration. The
reason why religion has seemingly failed to produce members that embody
the values taught in religious institutions is because the preachers
themselves are failing to be upright leaders who live out what they
preach. You are such a preacher to me.

Given your past record that displays you as a man who is easily tempted
by indulging in sexual intercourse, it is very difficult for me to throw
water over the claims made by the Sunday Times. To me it is irrelevant
that the person you impregnated is the daughter of Dr Irvin "The Iron
Duke" Khoza, I would still feel the same way even if it was just yet
another woman. If this baby was born under normal circumstances, it
means that you must have slept with this lady around January 2009.
During the same time you had already paid Lobola for Thobeka Madiba-Zuma
and you were planning your wedding day with her. At the same time you
were already having the pleasure of being attended to by two wives. I
suppose given that you were busy campaigning for the 2009 General
Elections, the challenges that you faced couldn't be accommodated by
your wives, you needed to find solace and release your masculine energy
on another woman outside wedlock.

What nauseates me the most is the fact that this lady got pregnant,
meaning you had unprotected sex yet again. To me it is clear that you
have unprotected sex with your wives, because you do it so easily with
"omakhwapheni". It means you are a risk to your wives, because you seem
to be fishing for HIV, so that you can take the catch home and
distribute it evenly amongst them. Unless there is preventive medication
for HIV that you have and we the ordinary people do not have access to.

The Zulu Kingdom should be ashamed at how you have paraded their culture
of polygamy, a culture that is in fact to me very demeaning of women. To
me it symbolises true qualities of chauvinism and patriarchy, whereby if
a man is not satisfied with one woman, then they can go get another.
Meanwhile society would vilify a woman who would take a second man.
Polygamy also promotes cheating on your wife, because you must first
know the second wife, well in your case sixth, intimately on stolen
moments away from your wife. So during that time you are lying to your
wife or wives claiming to be seeing no one besides them and even to God,
whom you made such a pact with when getting married.

Polygamy reduces women to objects that are used to just satisfy the egos
of many men out there, who see having many women as a sense of
superiority and achievement. To me this is a very small minded sense of
thinking.

I cannot have you preach morality to me when you partake in such
disgusting acts that make me feel if only I was not a South African.
When a sex scandal broke off about Mr Bill Clinton, he had to step down
as President of the USA . The President of the World Bank stepped down
after such allegations were tabled against him. However to you it is
just yet another day another dollar and nothing will happen, because you
are hiding behind tradition and using it to camouflage your helpless
sexuality.

You are a man who does not respect women clearly, a man who does not
believe in treating your wives with the best respect they deserve. I
doubt maKhumalo is happily married to you, but she is probably fearful
of what shall become of her if she were to leave you. It is unfortunate
that the majority of the people in your organisation find your acts
acceptable; it goes to show how the morals of the ANC have become
fragmented over the years.

You occupy the highest seat in our land and many people will find a way
of using your acts to justify their mistakes and atrocious behaviours
which resemble yours. You are not a beacon of hope to me, but rather
that one of disaster.

It is impossible that you could raise all your 20 children, so it means
that you promote unstructured families whereby kids grow up with single
parents. You promote and justify cheating. You promote for society to
discredit the three pillars of fighting HIV, because you do not Abstain,
you do not get to Be Faithful, you do not Condomize.

What are you good for? Absolutely nothing. You are shaming our country
and making it seem as if we are unable to be led by principled leaders.

You are a health risk to your wives, you are a financial risk to the
taxpayers who must pay for your opulence and you still pledge your
support to communists.

I ask of you to step down as President, before you turn South Africa
into a quagmire that resembles your sexual life and its animalistic
behaviours.

Written by: Lukhona Mnguni

BB_guy wrote:

The end is near....
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.
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1. they either dont shower or

2. they r extremely stupid and take a chance.

The Pope and Jacob Zuma died on the same day and because of an
Administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Jacob Zuma went to
Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Jacob Zuma coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Jacob Zuma,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Zuma: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Zuma: "You're a day late"

3 men, an Irish farmer, Julius Malema and a Boertjie are all granted a wish by a Genie.

Irish farmer wishes that all the land in Ireland will be the most fertile in the world, forever and ever.

POOF, this was done in a flash and the Irish Farmer was very satisfied.


Malema was next and very amazed and impressed at this display of power.


He started his wish: "I want all the whites to be removed from Africa and a wall must be built around all of my black brothers and sisters to protect them. This wall must be so high and so strong that no whites can come into our land at all.


POOF, this was done in a flash. A great wall surrounded Africa. Julius Malema glowed and glared at the Boertjie triumphantly.



Boertjie said: "Before I make my wish, tell me more about this wall"



Genie: "Its 5000ft high, 5000 bricks thick, nothing gets in, nothing gets out, guaranteed"



Boertjie lights up his pipe, smiled and said " Maak hom vol water Boet!"

A man sobering up from the night before sits through the sunday sermon, finding it long and BORING.

Still HUNG OVER and TIRED he finally falls ASLEEP.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his HANGOVER and is DISGUSTED.

At the end of the sermon, the priest decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation: "All those wishing to have a place in HEAVEN, PLEASE stand up"

The whole room stood up except OFCOURSE the sleeping man.

The priest then said even more louder: "And he who would like to find a place in HELL, please stand up".

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he is the ONLY ONE standing.

CONFUSED and EMBARASSED he says, "I don't know what we are VOTING ON HERE FATHER, but it sure seems like YOU and ME are the only ones STANDING FOR IT

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'

THE NASTIEST JOKE EVER

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be

successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.


One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up

three interviews.


The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was

very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do

you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but

notice that you have no ears," came the reply.

Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the

office


The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than

the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice

anything different about me?"

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."


Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a

young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was

handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two

put together.



Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same

question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact

lenses, don't you?"


Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.


"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,


"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"