New thread for 2010 jokes

Another one!

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

One for the boere

Die Moffie gaan dokter toe want hy voel nie te lekker nie. Na 'n
reeks bloedtoetse en 'n fisiese ondersoek deel die dokter hom die
volgende mee:

"Sorry oke, jammer om jou te moet vertel, maar jy het aids!"

Moffie: "Oh Nooo, wat gaan ek nou doen dokter?" wil die verskrikte
moffie weet.

Dokter: "Wel, koop vir jou 'n boks groen appelkose en eet soveel
daarvan as wat jy kan."

Dan eet jy 'n pak rosyntjies en drink soveel water as wat jy in jou
liggaam kankry.

Die volgende dag moet jy 3 botteltjies kasterolie drink en later die
aand 2 botteltjies Chaimberlain's.

Die derde dag moet jy 2 stukke vis eet wat vir langer as 'n week nie
in 'n yskas verkoel was nie.

Die aand moet jy dan 2 pakkies Engelse sout afsluk met 'n halwe liter
suurmelk."

Die arme moffie is nou eers verskrik. "Maar dokter, dink jy dit gaan
regtig die probleem aanspreek?"

Dokter: "Nee, nie eintlik nie boet, maar dit sal jou leer waarvoor
jou hol in die eerste plek bedoel is!"

blaaas hom pappie, blaas hom! (File Removed)

What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?


A crazy b!tc# who will find you!!!!!!

Never question a drunk........................
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following:

A liter of milk
A carton of eggs
A carton of orange juice
A 250 gram package of bacon
A head of lettuce
A can of coffee
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated:
"JY'SS SHEKER SINGLE."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my elections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "WANT JY'SS KAK LELIK."

Sipho calls SAA. "How long does it take to fly to New York?"
"Just a sec" says the rep.
"Thank you" says Sipho and hangs up.
Sipho was filling in an application form for a job.
He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column SALARY EXPECTED: He was not sure as to what to be filled here. After much thought he wrote "Yes!"
Sipho goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies "That is a thermos flask."
Sipho then asks "What does it do?"
The clerk responds "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.
Sipho says "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His boss, Mr Ndlovu sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" He said, "It's a thermos." The boss then says "What does it do?"
He replies "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said "Wow, what do you have in it?"
Sipho replies "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

Why did 18 of Sipho's family members go to a movie?
Because under 18 was not allowed.

To lose weight the doctor told Sipho to run eight kilometers a day for 300 days.
After 300 days Sipho called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 Kms from home."

Having lost his donkey Sipho got down to his knees and started
Thanking God.
A passer-by saw him and asked "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?"
Sipho replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too!
Sipho got his 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate...
Mother: Xhosa.
Father: Zulu
Kid: Chinese.
"How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are Black?"
"Aah" says Sipho "I read in a newspaper that every 4th person born in the world now is Chinese!"
Sipho with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered.
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up The phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back!"

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing...

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Teacher: Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought
happiness & peace into people's lives?



Sammy: Smo- king, Drin- king & Fuc- king ...

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''



''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

.....

The teacher then says, ‘Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''



''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

.....

Teacher then says, ‘Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''



''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!")

Little Johnnie was at the zoo with his Mum and Dad. He had never seen an elephant before. "What's that thing hanging between it's front legs, mum?" "That's it's trunk." "And what's that thing hanging between his back legs?' Embarrassed Mum said, "That's nothing." Johnnie wasn't happy with this answer and asked hi...s father for confirmation. "What's that thing hanging between his back legs, Dad?" "That's his penis", said Dad. "Mum said it's nothing." "Yes, but your mother's been spoiled."

Een vuurvliegie aan 'n ander: "Ek moet darem nou vinnig 'n bril kry, ek het nou amper 'n sigaret gespyker!"

Jy kan nie pelle vertrou nie...!!



Voor Koos oorlog toe vertrek sit hy 'n kuisheidsgordel op sy pragtige vrou,

sluit dit en gee die sleutel vir Ben, sy beste pel.

"As ek nie binne 4 jaar terug is nie, sluit oop en geniet"

Hy spring op sy perd en val in die pad.

So halfuur later sien hy 'n hengse stofwolk agter hom aankom.

Hy stop en sien dis sy pel Ben.

"Wat skort?" vra Koos.

Ben uitasem : "Dis die verkeerde sleutel!"

Fakey_AK wrote: blaaas hom pappie, blaas hom! (File Removed)

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

#1.
Gatiep lê in die hospitaal na 'n ernstige ongeluk. Hy vra vir die dokter: "Sal ek darem kan kitaar speel?" "Ja" sê die dokter. "Dis fokken great" tune Gatiep, "want ek kon nog fokken nooit nie!"

#2.
Meraai loop in die straat met ´n baie stywe jeanpant. Gatiep: "Meraai, is djy nie bang vi Fauna & Flora nie?" Meraai: "Never! Hoekom?" Gatiep: "Omdat djy daai arme parratjie so wurg!"

#3.
Gatiepie loop Meraai raak. "En nou Meraai, die wit v-nek jersey?" "Nai, die v staan vir virgin, maar moenie worry nie, disse fokken ou jersey!"

#4.
"Edelagbare, ek was in die telefoonhokkie besig om met my cherry te gesels toe die klaer my met geweld daar uitpluk."
"Toe word jy so kwaad dat jy hom slaan?" "Nee, edelagbare, dis eers toe hy my cherry ook uitpluk dat ek hom gepoes het!"

#5.
Meraai loop straataf met ´n matras op haar kop. Gatiep: Wa gat djy met djou furniture? Meraai: Hierie is g´n furniture nie. Dis my workshop!

#6.
Regter: Hoe kan jy onskuldig pleit as 5 persone jou sien steel het? Gatiep: Djou Honour, ek kan thousands mense bring wat my nie gesien steel het nie.

#7.
Meraai vang Gatiep met 'n los vrou in die bed. Sy gooi hom van die vierde verdieping af en skree: "Jou blêrrie insek! As jy kan steek dan kan jy fokken vlieg ook!"

#8.
Meraai aan Gatiep na seks: "Jong jy het ook maar 'n ou klein kitaartjie!" Gatiep: "Ja maar ek het nou ook nie geweet ek moet vanaand in die City Hall perform nie!"

#9.
My bra, Gatiep is nie available nie. Los djhou naam en djhou nomma en ek stuur vir djhou a "please call me".

#10.
Juffrou vra vir Gatiep: Jou ma het 4 aartappels, julle is 9 kinders, hoeveel aartappels gaan elkeen kry? Gatiep: My ma's nie 'n doem poes nie, sy maak mash!

#11.
Die Regter kyk vir Gammat in die oog en së: 'Dis nou die sesde jaar na mekaar dat jy in my hof in die beskuldigdebank staan.' 'Djou honour,' së Gammat, 'djy moenie vir my kom blame omlat jy nie promotion kan kry nie.'

#12.
Gammat word aangekla dat hy vir Meraai 'n bitch genoem het. Tydens kruisverhoor sê Gammat, 'Djy't da' boe oppie balcony gastaan, en ek da' onner innie straat.' 'Ja,' së Meraai. 'Daar was mos baie anner mense by djou da' oppie balcony,' së Gammat. 'Ja,' së Meraai. "Nou hoe wiet djy dan ek het met djou gapraat?' 'Omlat ek die enigste'bitch' daar was,' së Meraai.

#13.
Die skip land in die hawe en Meraai is soos blits teen die trapleer op. Gammat kyk haar so van onder af. "Haai meraai, djy't dan nie underwear aan nie!" Meraai: "So what? Dra djy miskien earplugs as djy Nico Malan toe gaan?"

#14.
Gatiep sleep 'n tou die straat af en loop verby Maraai. Maraai sê vir Gatiep, Hoekom sleep jy die tou? Gatiep sê, want as ek hom stoot val ek die heel tyd oor hom.

#15.
Juffrou vra vir Gatiep om sinne te maak met "gewig" en "massa". Gatiep se antwoord: My pa sê vir my ma, "Djy moet gewig veloer djou vetgat". My ma antwoord, "Djou massa poes!"

#16.
Gatiep was ses maande lank op die see. Die oomblik toe hy in die Kaapstadse hawe voet aan wal sit, sien hy Meraai en doen 'n naai met haar. Die volgende dag is hy terug see toe. Toe hy uiteindelik weer op land is, loop hy weer vir Meraai raak, en sy word sommer baie vriendelik toe sy hom sien, maar hy is woedend. "Jy het my laas crabs gegee, Meraai!!" "So? Wat het jy dan vir 15 rand verwag? Prawns?

#17.
Gammat vang 'n dip in die see, 'n brander lig hom hoog op en hy skree benoud: "Help, help! Help my Meraai, ek kannie swemmie! "Okei Gammat, calm down. Ek kan ook nie swem nie maar hoor jy miskien vir my so skree?"

#18.
Gatiepie: Meraai! Mar djy het darem baie spatare op djou bene! Meraai: Nei, dit issie spatare nie, dit is net die wiring na my hotplate toe!

#19.
Sannie koop eiers by Gatiep en bak 'n koek, sy kla by Maraai – Jou man se eiers is vrot. Meraai – JY LIEG MAN, hoe weet jy? Sannie antwoord: Kom ruik my koek.

Maraai doen aansoek vir werk.



Eienaar vra by die onderhoud : Het jy tik geneem op skool?



Maraai: Nei Meneer, daai djarre wassit nog net papsak en dagga.

There are Worse Things Than Oil on the Beach...


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jo1 wrote: There are Worse Things Than Oil on the Beach...

The 4th pic... The dude's facial expression is priceless :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :sick:

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jo1 wrote: There are Worse Things Than Oil on the Beach...


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I always said - "Tanned fat looks better!"

Gotta get some Milano!!!!

Help asseblief soek na Riaan Cruywagen se hond

Kontak die SABC hoofkantoor indien u die hondjie gewaar

Sien asseblief die foto hier onder



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'n Man kom by die pastoor om te bieg…

Man: "Vergeef my vader ek het gesondig. Ek het gister met my vrou omgang gehad "
Pastoor: "Was dit dan teen haar sin?"
Man: "Nee, maar ek het haar van agter af gelooi."
Pastoor: "O ja? En dit was teen haar sin?"
Man: "Wel nee, maar haar kop was so half in die vrieskas."
Pastoor: "Oeeee koud! En dit was sekerlik teen haar sin?"
Man: "Nee, ook nie …"
Pastoor: "Waaroor bekommer julle dan? Jy het duidelik glad nie gesondig nie!"
Man: "Dis moerse goeie nuus maar ek dink nie een van ons twee gaan ooit weer fokken Woolworths toe nie!"

Vrou: "Seks, seks, seks! Jy praat net altyd oor seks... Praat eerder oor
die weer!!!

Man: "OK, wanneer doen ons dit WEER?"

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