New thread for 2010 jokes

1899, Winburg-distrik, Oranje Vrystaat.

Generaal Edward Fatbottom is met 4 000 troepe in die veld om die
Boere op te dinges ...

By die Slagveld gekom sien hy doer in die verte op 'n koppie staan 'n figuur
met wille hare, kortbroek aan met veldskoene sonner sokkies.

"Rooinek!" skree die Boer op die koppie. "Kom hier jou Engelse moer!

I wants to gives you one helluva pakslae!"

Edward draai om na sy 2IB en sê: "Send 20 men to deal with that
Boer upstart!"

Die Kakie-Majoor stuur 20 man om die Boer te gaan soek.

Tien minute later staan die Boer weer op die koppie.. "You English donner!
Stuur the rest of your Rooinekke. I will donner them almal op!"

Edward raak nou ietwat geirriteerd en sê vir die Majoor: "Send 100 men
to kill that little guttersnipe!"

Die Majoor stuur 100 man oor die koppie.

'n Rukkie later staan die Boer so waar as wragtig weer op die randjie en
skree: "Hey, you souttril! Jou ma se hare! I is just warming up! Come
moer me dik, as jy kan !"

Toe verloor Edward kop en stuur 400 troepe om die Boer dood te maak.

Tien minute later staan die Boer weer daar. Sy klere is geskeur en sy hare
is effens vol stof. Dis net snot en bloed en Edward kry die reuk van Klipdrift
op 400 treë.

Weer skree hy: "Is dat de best you can do? You bloody vrot pommies!
Come on, souties! Kom klap me stukkend!"

Rooi in die gesig sê Edward vir die Majoor: "Take the rest of the men
and don't come back until you have killed the bastard!"

Vyf minute later kom een van die troepe al gillende en vol bloed oor die
randjie gestorm: "Sir, Sir! skree hy, It's a trap! There are two of them!"

HOE MAL IS JY??????????


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jo1 wrote: HOE MAL IS JY??????????


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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

The announcer says that Liverpoo have lost 2-1 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. "That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?" The Liverpool Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: "I don't know.... I've only had the dog for eight months.

vega5 wrote: The announcer says that Liverpoo have lost 2-1 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. "That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?" The Liverpool Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: "I don't know.... I've only had the dog for eight months.

Not Funny:angry:


J/K

Fakey_AK wrote:

vega5 wrote: The announcer says that Liverpoo have lost 2-1 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. "That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?" The Liverpool Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: "I don't know.... I've only had the dog for eight months.

Not Funny:angry:


J/K

I take it you a Liverfool supported? So its our teams this weekend. Merseyside Derby!!! Its gonna be a great game, bottom of the log clashes are always good!

vega5 wrote:

Fakey_AK wrote:

vega5 wrote: The announcer says that Liverpoo have lost 2-1 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. "That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?" The Liverpool Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: "I don't know.... I've only had the dog for eight months.

Not Funny:angry:


J/K

I take it you a Liverfool supported? So its our teams this weekend. Merseyside Derby!!! Its gonna be a great game, bottom of the log clashes are always good!

Hey you guys,I man u and liverpool guys are always rivals but dont be so sad, look on the bright side, liverpool and man united have something in common.....

BOTH ARE 3RD, MAN U 3RD FROM TOP AND LIVERPOOL 3RD FROM THE BOTTOM!!!! Plus the last time liverpool played, POOL won....yipee...oh right it was BLACK-POOL....SORRY

INSTALLING A HUSBAND



Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
• Romance 9.5 and
• Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
• Soccer 5.1
. Currie Cup 5.0,
• Super 14, 3.2 and
• Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



RESPONSE FROM TECH SUPPORT


Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind,
• Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
• Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
• If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
• Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
• Cooking 3.0 and
• Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

Taking a closer look

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE


A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

********************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.


P.S. Ever been in a supermarket queue? Similar scenario.

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Confucius say:

"To meet girl in park is good". "To park meet in girl is even better!"

Een dag vra Piet vir Jan
Jan hoekom het jy so baie kinders?
Jan antwoord: "Ek weet nie wat om te maak nie ek raak al mal van al die
kinders"
Piet: "Nou hoekom gebruik jy nie 'n Kondoom nie?"
Jan: "'n Kondoom?"
Piet: "Ja, 'n Kondoom, Gaan na die winkel toe en vra vir 'n paar Kondome"
Jan gaan winkel toe en daar staan 'n jong Engelse meisie agter die toonbank.
Jan vra: "Mag ek 'n Kondoom kry asseblief?"
Die meisie kyk hom so snaaks aan en se:
"Excuse me sir! could you please speak English"
Jan staan en dink so 'n bietjie, want sy engels is nie so goed nie.

Jan se: "Can I have a CAN DOOM please?"
Die girl sê: "Is it for Flying insects or crawling insects"
Jan antwoord: "No! is for gewone secs!!"

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.
... "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth,"
Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go
across the road and get me mate Wayne to help." They came back and they
both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's
try Plan B."

‎"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne. "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive..."

Fakey_AK wrote: Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.
... "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth,"
Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go
across the road and get me mate Wayne to help." They came back and they
both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's
try Plan B."

‎"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne. "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive..."

I dont remember that happening, I cant even remember being in Aussie? lol

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lol, his dad taught him well.

A man will pay R20 for a R10 item he needs.
A woman will pay R1000 for items that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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nakhooda wrote: (File Removed)

:sick: vok