New thread for 2010 jokes

In Honour of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Pick n' Pay's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

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On Clicks Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On a Woolworths Bread Pudding

"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

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On a Clicks hair dryer - Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Simba Chips --

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary!
Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

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On a bar of Dove soap -

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)

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On some Checkers frozen dinners -

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(please note that it's just a suggestion.)

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On the packaging of a Rowenta iron -

"Don't iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

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On some brands of Christmas lights of Eastern origin :
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."

(Now, somebody out there, please help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

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Instructions on a SA Airways packet of peanuts -
[1] Open packet;
[2] Eat nuts.
(Step 3: say what?)


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On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(Don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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On a German chainsaw ..
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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On Woolworth's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom)
"Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

Not sure where this pic comes from. It might have even been posted on this forum...


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This isnt funny but its lakka to see a 67yr old man whip a arrogant lighty.

South Africa

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen
stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'
The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'
So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'
The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'
The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the
down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..'
The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'
The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'
The guy says, 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the
doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter
anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't
like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to
stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'
The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed. Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh Oranges to those waiting.

Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.

He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck' em dry!"

The policeman fainted.

You've got way too much time on your hands if you did that.

milktuds wrote:

You've got way too much time on your hands if you did that.

HAHAHAH no i never did it..one of my mates did it...LOL

HAHA It took me a while to figure

n Klein seuntjie speel in die sitkamer met sy treinstel.
Sy Ma is in die kombuis doenig. Sy hoor die klein seuntjie:

"Toet-toooeeet, Stasie nommer 56, almal wat wil af fok, fok af
en almal wat wil opfok, fokop."
Sy Ma kry amper 'n hartaanval, maar besluit sy los hom. So rukkie later
hoor sy hom weer:
"Toet-tooeeet, Stasie nommer 101, Almal wat wil afdonner, donner af en
almal wat wil op donner, donner op."
Sy gryp hom, slaat sy gat aan die brand en stuur hom kamer toe.
Sy sê hy kan uitkom as hy jammer is.
So rukkie later kom hy snikkend uit sy kamer uit en gaan speel verder.
Toet-tooeet, Stasie nommer 34, Almal wat wil afklim, klim af en almal wat wil
opklim, klim op en die van julle wat wil weet hoekom is die trein laat, vra die teef in die kombuis!

jo1 wrote:

n Klein seuntjie speel in die sitkamer met sy treinstel.
Sy Ma is in die kombuis doenig. Sy hoor die klein seuntjie:

"Toet-toooeeet, Stasie nommer 56, almal wat wil af fok, fok af
en almal wat wil opfok, fokop."
Sy Ma kry amper 'n hartaanval, maar besluit sy los hom. So rukkie later
hoor sy hom weer:
"Toet-tooeeet, Stasie nommer 101, Almal wat wil afdonner, donner af en
almal wat wil op donner, donner op."
Sy gryp hom, slaat sy gat aan die brand en stuur hom kamer toe.
Sy sê hy kan uitkom as hy jammer is.
So rukkie later kom hy snikkend uit sy kamer uit en gaan speel verder.
Toet-tooeet, Stasie nommer 34, Almal wat wil afklim, klim af en almal wat wil
opklim, klim op en die van julle wat wil weet hoekom is die trein laat, vra die teef in die kombuis!

Dis nou proper "cruising for a bruising"!! :laugh:

In 2010, there will be millions of foreign types coming to South Africa to watch the world cup. A lot of them will be uneducated and will not know much about South Africa . So in order to ensure we are all on the same page and are sending out a consistent message, we have decided to run a series of education sessions.

The first FAQ is below:

Q: What does the South African flag represent?

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Answer:
RED is the SUN (not the earth), so it's above;
BLUE is the SEA (not the sky), therefore below;
GREEN is the MIELIE FIELDS in the middle;
BLACK is the MAJORITY,
WHITE is the MINORITY who have access to everything
and,
YELLOW is the ELECTRIC FENCE keeping the MAJORITY away from the mielies!

WHAHAHAHHAHAHAH good one

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the Students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get Together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop. One day,
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that
Hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
Another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the Woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various Bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into The woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from The catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to Slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out Next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in
His arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
Claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But That bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began To wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we
Came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And Just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the Day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in A hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors Running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have Been the best way to start."

RESEP OM VLOOIE OP DIERE TE BEKAMP:

Meng kwart koppie skoon brandwyn met halwe koppie fyn sand, totdat dit 'n tipe van "pasta" vorm.

Smeer dit in oor die hond se lyf asook tussen die hare. Die vlooie sal so gesuip raak dat hulle mekaar met die klippe doodgooi!

SNOK1986 wrote:

This isnt funny but its lakka to see a 67yr old man whip a arrogant lighty.

And he still has an attitude after being beat up.

If you watch the related videos you begin to realise they both pretty psycho. :dry:

AHHAHAHAHAHAH yeah, that old man is crazy, he is on youtube describing what happened, he is loco i tell u... but that black chap most def deserved that beat down...

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Toe hoem it mei konsern,

I want to aplaai for the job what I saw in the courant.

I can Taaip reelie kwiek wit one finggar and doo sum a countieng..

I thienk I are good on the phoune and I nou I am a piepels person,
Piepels reelie siem to respont to me well. Certin women and all the menn.

I nou my spellieng is not to good but I find that I Offen can get a job throe my persinaletie.

My sellerie is open sou we can diskas wat yoe want to pei me and wat yoe thienk that I am wort,

I can start iemieditely. Thank yoe in atwaans fore yore anser.

houpfulie Yore best apliecant sou farr.

Sinseerly,
lotty (short for Laurette)


PS : Bekose my resimay ies a bit short - below is a piekture of me.
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Employer’s response:

Dear Lotty ,

It's OK honey,

we've got spell checker.

See you Monday...

lol :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Dont blame the employer...