New thread for 2010 jokes

How To Sell Toothbru..

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Die seuntjie sit in die kerk en sien hoe die diakens in die gang afkom
en kollekte opneem. Hy leun oor na sy ma toe en sê " Moenie vir my betaal
nie ek is nog onder ses!"

Baas toets blond se wiskunde: "As ek vir jou R5 miljoen minus 10% gee,
hoeveel trek jy af?"
Blond: "Als Meneer!
Skoene, rok, bra, pantie - ALLES!"

Men Are Just Happier People.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is R56.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle.

From the Cape Times comes this story of an Edgemead couple who drove their car to Checkers, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The AA
mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Engineering Humour

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

(P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands
for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S. Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

Whahahahahhahahaha :laugh: :laugh:
Now THATS a solution :lol: :lol: :silly:

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

thats the best!

ass-icons

South African piping specs for use on all future projects


1.2.64 Definitions for Pipes [as amended 01 05 06] per Govt. Gazette 6784A/45297/BZ/a1.



1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal copper or plastic, centred around the hole.
2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.
NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6. All pipe over 150m in length should have the words 'LONG PIPE' clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 3000m in length must also have the words 'LONG PIPE' painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
8. All pipe over 1.8m in diameter must have the words 'LARGE PIPE' painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges can be used on pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big holes in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 3mm are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

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The Red Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on... take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone!!!

North_Boy1 wrote: The Red Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on... take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone!!!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Damn this almost made me piss myself!
F#ck!ng Brilliant

Example Of A Development

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks.

It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day -

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory.

My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks:
"Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts, it hasn't opened yet!"

BOER IN ONGELUK

'n Boer, Piet was in 'n motorongeluk.
In die hof , is die vervoermaatskappy se hot shot advokaat besig om hom te
ondervra:

Het jy, op die ongelukstoneel, gesê: "Ek's orraait!" vra die advokaat.
Piet: "Wel, kom ek vertel jou wat gebeur het. Ek het net my gunsteling koei, Bessie, op die sleepwa gelaai en......"
Die advokaat val hom in die rede: "Ek vra nie vir detail nie, antwoord net die vraag. Het jy, op die ongelukstoneel gesê: "Eks orraait!" Ja of Nee?"
Piet: "Wel, ek het net vir Bessie op die sleepwa gehad en ek was skaars op die pad......"

Die advokaat val hom weer in die rede en sê aan die regter:
"Edelagbare, ek probeer net die feit vasstel, dat hierdie man, by die ongelukstoneel, aan die verkeersman gesê het dat hy oraait is.
Nou probeer hy my kliënt dagvaar. Ek glo vas hy is 'n bedrieër. Sê asb vir hom hy moet net die vraag beantwoord."
Teen hierdie tyd is die regter al redelik geïnteresseerd in Piet se storie oor Bessie, en sê vir die advokaat: "Ek wil graag sy storie oor die koei hoor".
Ou Piet bedank die regter en gaan voort met sy storie. "Wel, soos ek gesê het, ek het net vir Bessie op die sleepwa gelaai en was op die pad toe daar skielik 'n moerse trok van die kant af kom, 'n stopstraat skip en my bakkie en sleepwa in hulle moer in ry. Ek is eenkant toe gegooi in 'n sloot en Bessie anderkant toe in 'n ander sloot. Ek was seer, nogal erg seer en wou nie beweeg nie. In elk geval, ek het toe vir Bessie gehoor kerm en ek het geweet sy is in erge pyn, net deur te luister na haar kreune. Nou, net na die ongeluk, kom daar 'n spietkop op die toneel aan en hy het ook Bessie se gekerm gehoor, so hy het toe nader aan haar gegaan. Nadat hy na haar gekyk het en die toestand gesien het waarin sy was, het hy sy pistool uitgetrek en haar tussen die oë geskiet."
Toe kom die spietkop oor die pad na my kant toe, sy pistool nog steeds in sy hand, en hy vra: "Hoe voel jy?"
"Nou vertel vir my, meneer advokaat, wat de moer sou jy vir hom gesê het?"

lol

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"

The pharmacist fainted. !!

I'm living next door to a black couple at the moment. They have
3 little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the
Back yard, so I’m just writing to you while the kettle boils!


Can you spare just R2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia ..
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles
To school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no
brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just R2, we will send you
The video – its f*cking hilarious.


I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is,
"Good Morning you ugly prick?" It’s not yours is it?


I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for Donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a Mouthful.


Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind.
I’m f*ckin worried now that some of my buddies could be black.
If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?


There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things
commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Mexicans and black rapists is not the correct answer.

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hulle se die is lady gaga se half broer

mr olympia 20?? ek wonder of dit ooit moontlik sal wees? 20 jaar terug en nou se mro het merkwaardig verander.

How do these people survive?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'