Jokes

CHAPEL wrote:

haha brilliant

This will be me if I ever have a daughter one day

Father - Come in son have a drink with me
*hands boy a alcoholic beverage*
*chat and finish drinks while daughter gets ready*
*kids leaving*
Father - shouts to boy as they climb into the car "Ill give you the antidote to the poison when you get her back by 12"
*smile and wave* :silly:

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Afrikaans version

01: Alle aansoeke moet vergesel word van:

* 5 kg (of meer) biltong.
* 12 bottels K.W.V. Roodeberg.
* 12 bottels K.W.V. 10 jaar brandewyn.
* 1 kas Heineken

'n Betaalde jagsafari van 14 dae in Kenia vir 4 persone..

02: Hierdie aansoek sal as onvolledig beskou word en dienooreenkomstig afgekeur word indien enige van die volgende NIE aangeheg is nie:

Volledige finansiële state van die afgelope drie jaar.
Skool- en Universiteit geskiedenis (nie Technicon, Kollege of enige iets anders nie)!
Werksgeskiedenis en rekords.
Familiegeskiedenis van die laaste 200 jaar (Anglo-Boereoorlog hensoppers, joiners of vermyders kan net hier opgegee word).
Afskrif van Bestuurders lisensie en Polisie rekords.
Volledige mediese ondersoek onderteken deur 'n goedgekeurde Dokter en Psigiater.

PERSOONLIKE INLIGTING

NAAM EN VAN: .................................................. .................................................. ...

BYNAAM: ................................................ (Enige diername by bogenoemde sal tot afkeuring lei)

GEBOORTE DATUM: .................................................. .........................

LENGTE: .......................................

GEWIG: .........................................

I.K..: ............................................

SKOOL GEMIDDELD: .........................

I.D. NO: ........................................

BESTUURDER LISENSIE KODE: .................................................. .........

VOORTREKKER RANG (TANS) EN KURSUSSE VOLTOOI: ..................................................

.................................................. .......................................

HUISADRES EN TEL NO: .................................................. ...............................................

.................................................. ...............................................

DORP OF STAD: .................................................. .......................................

KODE: .........................................


Het jy een manlike en een vroulike ouer? ..................... Indien nee , verstrek redes: .......................

.................................................. ......................................

Aantal jare wat hulle getroud is: ................................ Indien korter as jou ouderdom, vestrek redes:
.................................................. ..............................................

Besit jy:

'n Kombi? ................................
'n Ford Sierra? ..........................
Enige ander kar met 'n drukvin en allooiwiele wat nie standaard is nie? ...........................
'n Waterbed? ............................
'n Bakkie met 'n matras agterin? ..........................
Kondome? ................................
Enige pornografie? ....................
Dra jy 'n oorbel, neusring, naeltjiering, ens? ........................
Het jy 'n tattoeërmerk? ..............
Rook en suip jy? ........................

Indien enige antwoord op enige van die bogenoemde vrae JA is - moenie voortgaan met die voltooiing van die aansoekvorm nie, (vir veiligheidsredes) en verlaat onmiddellik die perseel.

In minder as 50 woorde, wat beteken "LAAT" vir jou?

.................................................. .................................................. .

.................................................. .................................................. .


In minder as 50 woorde, wat beteken "MOENIE AAN MY DOGTER RAAK NIE" vir jou?

.................................................. .................................................. ...

.................................................. .................................................. ...

In minder as 50 woorde, wat verstaan jy onder "GEHEELONTHOUDING"?

.................................................. .................................................

.................................................. .................................................

In minder as 10 woorde, wat verstaan jy onder die volgende:

KASTREER? .................................................. ...........................................

.................................................. ...........................................

GENADEDOOD? .................................................. .................................................. ....

.................................................. .................................................. ...............................


In NIE MINDER as 5000 woorde verduidelik wat jy verstaan onder die woord "VRY".

(Skryf dit op jou eie papier en voeg by aansoek).

Naam en adres van die kerk wat jy bywoon: .................................................. ..........................

Hoe gereeld woon jy kerkdienste by? .................................................. ....................................

Wanneer sal die beste tyd wees om die volgende persone te ondervra:

Vader: ................................................
Moeder: ..............................................
Predikant: ...........................................
Paroolbeampte: .....................................
Vorige drie meisies: .................................

Sal jou ouers hulle vrywillig aan genetiese toetsing onderwerp of sal doofpyle gebruik moet word?

.................................................. .................................................. ................................

Enige besware teen die deursoeking van jou persoon, voertuig, hok, gat of enige ander blyplek?

.................................................. .................................................. ...............................

Voltooi die volgende sinne:
Antwoorde sal as vertroulik beskou word.

Indien ek raakgeskiet word, wil ek nie in/op my ............................................. raakgeskiet word nie.

Indien ek geslaan word, wil ek baie graag NIE die volgende bene gebreek hê nie: .......................

.................................................. .................................................. ...............................

'n Vrou se plek is in die: .................................................. ..................................................

Die een ding wat ek hoop NIE gevra sal word in die onderhoud nie, is: .........................................

.................................................. .................................................. .................................

Wanneer jy 'n meisie vir die eerste keer ontmoet, wat sien jy heel eerste raak? ..................................

.................................................. .................................................. .................................

NOTA: Indien enige liggaamsdeel genoem word wat begin met 'n "P", "T", "D" of "G", stop dadelik en verlaat die perseel.

Terwyl jy die perseel verlaat, hardloop in S'e en hou jou kop laag!

Wat wil jy word INDIEN jy moontlik groot word? .................................................. ...................

Wat is die huidige tariewe van 'n hotelkamer?

.................................................. .........................

Kondome kom in pakkies van: (omkring een):

3
6
9
12
Al die bogenoemde

Hoe weet jy dit? .................................................. .................................................. ...........


HIERMEE BELOOF EK PLEGTIG DAT AL DIE BOGENOEMDE INLIGTING KORREK EN WAAR IS.
VERKEERDE VERSKAFDE INLIGTING MAG (SAL/KAN? - JOU KEUSE!) LEI TOT DIE
DOOD, ONTMANNING, DIE VERLOOR VAN LEDEMATE, ROOIMIER-MARTELING,
KRUISIGING, ELEKTRIESE SKOK, CHINESE WATERMARTELING EN/OF ROOIWARM
YSTERTOEDIENING.

.................................................. .......................................
NAAM EN HANDTEKENING

Dankie vir jou belangstelling.
Laat asseblief 4 tot 6 jaar toe vir prosessering.
Jy sal skriftelik in kennis gestel word indien jou aansoek aanvaar word.
Moet asseblief nie probeer om telefonies, elektronies, skriftelik, per posduif, vingertaal of deur middel van rooksiene in verbinding te tree nie.
(DIT KAN/SAL/MAG TOT ERNSTIGE BESERINGS LEI)

L.W: lndien jou aansoek afgekeur word, sal jy persoonlik in kennis gestel word deur twee here in swart pakke met wit dasse wat elk 'n viooltas dra.

Chuck Norris en 2 cowboys sit en vertel stories rondom die braaivleis vuur een aand.
Cowboy1 : ek het 'n bul aan sy horings gegryp en en hom toe met 1 hand op die grond vas gedruk.
Cowboy2 : Ek het 'n 6 meter slang se kop af gebyt

Chuck se toe die kole is reg om te braai en toe die 2 Cowboys omdraai het hulle monde oop gehang toe hulle sien Chuck is besig om die kole oop te krap met sy voel

In the bar the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub.
The answer, of course, being...throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I don't find that very funny.
My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."

I said, "I’m sorry, buddy. That was completely insensitive of me. Did he drown?"

"No," he replied, "He choked on a sock."

NorthBoy wrote: In the bar the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub.
The answer, of course, being...throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I don't find that very funny.
My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."

I said, "I’m sorry, buddy. That was completely insensitive of me. Did he drown?"

"No," he replied, "He choked on a sock."

he he he,

'n Man vang sy vrou met sy beste vriend in die bed.... en skiet hom dood. Sy
vrou sê: "Jy moet aanhou hiermee Johan! Een van die dae het jy niks
vriende oor nie."
:ohmy:

I was in a gym as a guest last week and there was a sign that read "no alcoholic beverages allowed" hahaa had a good laugh! Only in witrevier!

Gatiep het ‘n affair met sy buurvrou.
Hy lieg en sê hy moet die naweek Durban toe gaan en gaan trek by sy buurvrou in vir die naweek.
Saterdagoggend kyk hy by die buurvrou se venster uit en sien ‘n ander man in sy tuin staan met sy gown aan.
“Wat maak jy in my gown?” skree Gatiep.
“Jy lieg, dis nie jou gown nie.
Die ou wie se gown dit is, is in Durban”, skree die man terug.
Gatiep skree: “Julle gaan k@k as ek terugkom van Durban af !!!”

Sales lady: Sorry sir u can't smoke here

Man: but I bought the cigarette in this shop.

Sales lady: We also sell condoms but we don't f*ck each other here!

***********************

Man kneeling by bed, Wife says, what are you praying for? Husband says: Guidance. Wife says, Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the thing myself!

Barry walks into a drugstore and asks for a package of condoms.

"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." The druggist says.

"Well, I am, "replies Barry.

"You'll have to prove it," says the druggist.

So Barry rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the druggist and finally gets his condoms.

A few days later, Barry goes back to the same druggist to get some flea powder for his dog.

"Got a dog license?" the druggist asks.

Barry reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog licence and is finally handed his flea powder.

The next day he's back in the shop and hands the druggist a screw- top-jar.

"Here, smell this," Barry tells the druggist.

"The druggist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.

"That smells like Shit!" cries the druggist, wrinkling his nose.

"Correct," says Barry .

"Now GET ME two rolls of toilet paper please."

At a party ,a handsome guy approached a girl and asks: "Do you want to dance? "The girl felt so happy and said YES I DO. The guy replied, that's good, coz I want your chair,my legs are killing me...

At a party ,a handsome guy approached a girl and asks: "Do you want to dance? "The girl felt so happy and said YES I DO. The guy replied, that's good, coz I want your chair,my legs are killing me...

rvdwalt4 wrote: At a party ,a handsome guy approached a girl and asks: "Do you want to dance? "The girl felt so happy and said YES I DO. The guy replied, that's good, coz I want your chair,my legs are killing me...

legend :lol:

Ek het 'n glas Oros op die vensterbank gelos. 'n Week later vra die huishulp of is dit ou Oros? Ek sê toe nee, dis ou-ou-ou-ou Oros!

rvdwalt4 wrote: At a party ,a handsome guy approached a girl and asks: "Do you want to dance? "The girl felt so happy and said YES I DO. The guy replied, that's good, coz I want your chair,my legs are killing me...

Classic!

A kid talking to Ronnie Coleman
"What does KG mean sir?"
"Killer Glutes" :whistle:

weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/...the-seaweed-diet.jpg

HA HA HA, seaweed diet i love it!